Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Almost there

Driving around a bus when you're used to driving a race car- that's what I've decided the last stage of pregnancy feels like. I keep bumping my belly into things and getting stuck in places I should know I don't fit into right now. The tops of most of my maternity shirts are stained where I've underestimated the distance from my plate to my mouth. If I can complain for a minute, the fatigue has been the same fatigue that drove me to quit working night shifts- unbelievably overwhelming. After 11am, I can barely get my tush off the couch, even with an hour nap each day. My body keeps playing tricks with me, like it thinks it's funny to get me in a tizzy thinking that labor is starting. Last night I had almost an hour of regularly spaced, painful contractions. Then just as I was getting ready to call Dennis in from the garage and tell him I thought we needed to start getting things ready to go to the hospital, they stopped and haven't returned since. I've been moving around like an 80-year old women plagued with arthritis. I feel guilty watching Dennis do so much of the housework and having my kids have a Michelin tire man/zombie for a mom. I'm so ready to be myself again! I had felt so great and energized for so long during this pregnancy, that this change has been especially frustrating. I had really hoped the great way I felt would continue on through the end. Even though I know the end is so close, it still feels so far away. Sometimes when I watch and feel the baby turning somersaults in my belly, I think how foreign and almost alien it seems to be carrying another life form inside of me that within a few days will come out and be able to sustain life on it's own!

The thought of ever being pregnant again seemed so unbearable that it literally almost brought me to tears yesterday. But then within that same thought I remembered what it was like to look at my brand-new babies immediately after they were born and to feel smitten with an overwhelming love for them. I thought of each of my kids and thought there isn't anything I wouldn't do or price I wouldn't pay for any of them to be here. I would endure pregnancy for 10 years if that's what it would have taken.




My little Luke turned 4 yesterday. After his little body collapsed to sleep after a day of so much excitement and anticipation, I couldn't help but watch him and think what an honor it is to be the parent of each of my children. At times the task seems so overwhelming. So much rests of their futures and who they become rests on the shoulders of this tired and imperfect mother. I know the Lord would never give me a task He didn't believe I would or could be equal to though.

Now if I could just figure out how to answer some of their little questions that so preoccupy their little minds, like how to pick your nose with your toes (that was Luke yesterday) and why that spider decided to bite Peter Parker of all people (Camden).

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