Monday, May 30, 2011

Confused

As I said once before, my life is full of sunshine and smiles but today I'm so confused. I feel like a lost teenager again. I had expected, or at least hoped, that in my adult years the world would be more clear-cut, more black and white, or at least more predictable. But the older I get, the more I realize that the world is made up of varying shades of temperamental gray.

I feel so confused how such good people with similar life experiences and upbringings, all striving earnestly to do what is right can each take such different paths. Each person likely praying and seeking divine guidance, each motivated to act and feel in drastically different and often conflicting ways.

I feel like the world as I once knew it is falling to pieces around me. Family ties that were once held sacred and untouchable are disintegrating in the face of personal differences. Animosity and mistrust has sprung where affection once bloomed. This saddens me beyond what words can express.

The pain I sense behind my loved one's optimistic words cuts deeply. Life has dealt him a much more difficult hand than most. I wish I could cut out the pain and replace it with the love and acceptance that we all deserve. I lean on his optimism and faith in the innate goodness of others to get me through and to keep in sight the light at the end of the tunnel.

At times I long for days past that though blind, were days of innocence. The days when we were all young and bright-eyed with utopic visions of the future.




I look at my children and can't help but feel a sense of fear. What differences might arise in the coming years that could sever their familial bonds that now seem so unbreakable? How badly a mother wants to build a barrier of innocence around them- one that reminds them constantly of the affection they know now.

2 comments:

Cher said...

that IS sad. but at least you can see his side too. that's a blessing to both of you.
do you read cjane's blog? i really liked her post today. http://blog.cjanerun.com/2011/05/circles.html
kinda reminded me of your last paragraph.

Liz Johnson said...

It seems like life gets messier the longer I live it. Like things that used to be so black and white are now very grey. There used to be guarantees! You grow up, try to do good things, get married in the temple, and everything will be roses and rainbows, right? And yet, man, it seems so much messier than that these days. Geez.

I'm so sorry. :( Hugs.