Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Impatient



My little Calista turns two weeks old today and the time has been so precious. I didn't realize how much I was going to enjoy having a newborn around again. I love their smells, their velvety skin, their little pre-poop grins, everything. The other day she looked at me and broke into a huge grin, eyes open, gums bearing. I was amazed and so ecstatic! My goodness...this was the earliest any of my kids had ever smiled at me! And then it came, the rumbling down below, and just as quick as it came, within two seconds the smile left and all I was left with was a baby already in REM sleep and a mustardy, cottage cheese mess left to clean up. But even that made my day. I had seen her smile...even if it was just a side effect of cleaning out her bowels.

With my other kids, within just a couple of days I was already back in regular clothes and had bounced back to feeling 100%. This recovery for some reason has taken a bit longer with lingering soreness in the hips and a sciatic nerve that is unrelenting. I've been pretty hard on myself that I'm still in maternity clothes and that the weight isn't melting off like it did with the other 3. The other day I was driving past a dairy. Normally I don't think much of it but for some reason, I looked at those cows with their udders ready to burst and I empathized with them so much I could have started a dairy cow-liberation movement right then and there. I know their pain all too well!

I had a bit of an epiphane the other day when I was getting dressed in the morning and feeling bitter that I was once again donning one of my darn maternity pants that I was so anxious to get rid of. I could have cussed at the things but I had 3 little pairs of very attentive ears just outside my closet watching Sesame Street in my room. I felt like my body had finally let me down. After all these years, age had finally gotten the better of me. Then a rebuking thought came into my mind as I realized that my body hadn't let me down- actually far from it. I was reminded that this body had birthed 4 children, ran two marathons, a handful of half marathons and triathlons, and allowed me on a daily basis to keep up with the ins and outs of life as a very busy mother. I realized that yes, my body may never be exactly the way it was before, but bearing children is fulfilling the greatest measure of the creation of the female body. What this body made is what gets me out of bed every morning and gives purpose to everything I do.

It reminds me of a talk given in General Conference where reference was given to a doctor speaking to a child who was just diagnosed with cancer. When the child asked if he would ever be the same again, the doctor said, "No, you won't be the same again. You will be so much stronger." I feel like that's what being a mother has done for me, regardless of what my vanity tries to tell me. Now if I can just figure out how to remind myself of that whenever the negative thinking begins to creep in.

1 comment:

The "J" Team said...

If it makes you feel better, I was in maternity clothes for over a month after I had my kids. Our bodies are never the same...but, I agree...it's totally worth it!