Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Confessions of the once pregnant lady


I have another embarassing confession to make.  While I was pregnant with Lauren, I struggled to feel a bond with the little baby inside of me.  I felt an overwhelming guilt at this since I had never heard of anyone who had felt this way, or at least who was willing to admit to it.  What was wrong with me, or the baby for that matter?   For some reason, I felt an odd dettachment and it terrified me to think that after she was born I might still feel that way.  Boy, was I wrong.  As soon as I laid eyes on her, I was smitten.  There's no other way to describe it other than I was in love with that slimy, tiny, screaming baby girl who seemed infuriated to have been taken from her warm little cocoon into a cold, bright world.


With Calista I felt a similar dettachment but I held onto the hope that there would be that change of heart once I saw her, as there had been with Lauren.   Yet I still felt that sense of guilt and bewilderment as to what in the world was wrong with this mother who wasn't bonding with the infant she was carrying inside of her?   But once again, as soon as I lay eyes on my little girl after she was born, I was smitten with an overwhelming sense of love.  I immediately felt every sense of motherly love and affection that I was hoping to feel.

Dennis took Luke into his first dentist appointment while I was gone on my girl's weekend in Ashton.  He took Lauren and Calista with him, and while he was there, the dentist offered to make a mold of Calista's hand.  When he gave it to us a few days ago, I decided that was probably one of the sweetest things I had ever seen.  The detail on the mold is amazing.  You an see every wrinkle, dimple, and even the tiny little pores on the skin of her chubby little hands and it has now become one of my most prized earthly possessions. Isn't it amazing the hold these tiny little hands have on our hearts? 

Speaking of the dentist and for the sake of record keeping, I have to put in this little anecdote.  Last year we tried to take Luke in for his first appointment, which became unsuccessful the minute the hygenist put the instrument in his mouth to remove the plaque.  As he saw her coming towards him with those magnified glasses and her mask, he wrinkled his little nose and spoke his 3-year old mind, "You know, you look like a chicken." 
(Our hygenist is one of the sweestest, cutest girls you'll ever meet, but unfortunately I don't have a picture of her with her chicken mask so this will have to do)

1 comment:

Cher said...

ha ha. your luke cracks me up.
i think i felt a connection to my unborn babies, but nothing like i did after i held them. and it grows even more in the weeks after that, especially when they start smiling and interacting with you. i'm sure that's normal. :)