Thursday, April 26, 2012

Revelations

Disclaimer:  With self-disclosure come feelings of vulnerability.  I realize some of the things I share on my blog are personal, but then my first goal is to stay real... and sometimes staying real can feel like one of those dreams where you forgot to wear clothes on your first day of school.  

As I decide what I want to blog about, I usually just try to write about what's on my mind.  Some weeks my thoughts are swimming and some weeks they're wonderfully empty.  This week was a refreshingly empty week in my head for a change, but I have had a couple things on my mind most of the day today.

During a conversation I was having with my counselor a couple days ago (yes, I've started seeing a counselor...no need for alarm :) ), I mentioned something that had irked me the day before.  Without missing a beat, she said, "And what does that remind you of?"

"What do you mean?"  I asked.

"Usually when something triggers someone to be irritated, sad, angry, or uncomfortable without cause- it's because it reminds them of something in their past that has led that to become a trigger point in them."

Huh...  Immediately I knew what that was.  It wasn't the situation that had irked me, but it was it's similarity to something I wanted to forget.

That little chat with my counselor also reminded me of a conversation I had with my brother Jimmy while we were in Chile this past February.  We were on our way to meet up with a friend in Santiago.  Due to a series of events that were out of our control, we were running behind and my friend had been waiting for us at the subway station for 45 minutes.  I was a frazzled and stressed thinking about her standing there searching the crowds for us for 45 minutes!  After probably the 3rd time of muttering how much it stresses me out to be late, he turned to me, and without missing a beat said, "That's probably because you really hate it when people are late to meet you."

Huh...  What a simple concept, and in 30 years I had never put it together.

My wonderful counselor said that we often set up triggers to react to certain situations initially as coping mechanisms, often when we are children, at times as adults.   They can serve their purpose initially, but as things change those reactions are no longer necessary because we are out of the situation that necessitated the reaction.  Not only are they no longer necessary, but can become hindrances, trapping us in a downward spiral of negative thought processes.  By identifying what it was in our past that led us up to being triggered, she said, our reaction holds less power over us and we are able to regain control.

It got me thinking how much easier I could make my life if I knew more of those little pearls of wisdom that are so simple but so liberating.

Later in that evening I decided to take Lauren to the church orchards for some mother-daughter time in hopes of photographing some of the blossoms on the trees.  Unfortunately most of them were gone but we were still able to get some cute pictures of her.  She did pretty well but after a few dozen pictures she stomped off muttering under her breath, "This is stupid..."  Fun times with the little lady.

Next on my list of upcoming purchases is a new lens.  This darn lens is about as temperamental as a premenstrual 13 year old girl.  It either knocks my socks off or it's a total flop and I miss the perfect image because it decided it didn't feel like focusing.  I think it's time for it to go. I took well over a hundred pictures this evening and had to delete over half of them because they were randomly too soft and out of focus.  How frustrating that I had researched this particular lens for hours and finally decided it was exactly what I wanted.  Back to the drawing boards, I guess.
Orchard edited


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