I'm not sure what it is about photography that terrifies me so much. There's nothing else like it for me. I've never loved something so much while being terrified of it at the same time. Nothing has ever left me feeling more vulnerable, leaving me almost in a state of panic. Photographing and then sharing what I’ve shot produces more anxiety than anything I’ve ever done.
From the day I came home with my first DSLR, a little over a year ago, I can't seem to get enough of it. I started out knowing absolutely nothing but I could spend every hour of every day pouring over photography books and blogs, and taking pictures.
A few months ago, I decided I wanted to start a photography blog, mostly as a way to keep myself motivated to keep learning and find my own personal style with a goal of posting something to the blog about once a week.
As I debated whether I could really take on one more thing to take up brain space, which seems to be in high demand and short supply lately, part of me was thrilled at the thought of a new challenge. I love having something to think about and work towards. But with just as much charge as my enthusiasm came a flood of self-doubt. Who in the world do I think I am to think people would actually want to look at my pictures? I have such limited experience yet even with that limited experience, when I look at my pictures, I pick them apart and find a hundred things wrong with them. Won’t others do the same? Will it feel like they’re picking me apart when they do? I think that right there is at the heart of it all- all of the anxiety and fear.
I worked on the blog for a few months telling only a handful of people that it even existed. I worked on it slowly and several times almost gave up and shut it down when the anxiety of what I was doing felt like too much to handle. After completing and assignment a photographer friend gave me to complete and post on the blog, I decided to share the blog post on Facebook.
I felt like a kid on her first day of school- heart pounding and wanting to puke with nervousness. But I did it and I was grateful for some of the kind feedback I received.
I need to do this, not because I think my photography is going to change the world, nor because I think my pictures are anything more than ordinary, but because it scares me to death, and I really hate being scared.
So on the side bar I have a link to my photography blog. Feel free to have a look see.