Thursday, January 1, 2015

As weak things become strong

The last few days have been an emotional roller coaster ride. We've realized that perhaps the Lord has things in store for us that we had never before imagined. This realization has brought with it several awakenings, mostly of doubt and feelings of inadequacy within myself. How can the Lord expect more of me when I feel like my grasp on what I have already at times feels so weak?

No one is more painfully aware of my short-comings than I am. I could write a book on all the ways in which I should be better... need to be better. I can be impulsive, short-tempered, short-sighted, overly emotional, and a laundry list of other less than stellar qualities.

But I insist on self-honesty with myself, as painful as it can be. As much as I try to improve on them, my weaknesses don't define or lessen me, they are just a part of me, just the way my nose and my eyes are a part of my face.

Since becoming a mother, my favorite scripture has become, "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." (Ether 12:27)

And yet I think how ungrateful we are whenever we dwell on our weaknesses, while failing to recognize the countless ways in which He has made us stronger.

The other day Lauren was helping me clean around the house with a duster. That little girl is a cleaning machine, I tell you. But her ambition got the best of her and before I knew it, my beautiful new vase was lying shattered in a million pieces on the floor- a victim of her enthusiastic dusting- with a chip out of our brand-new hardwood floor to prove it. Instinctively I felt my blood pressure rising along with my frustration. Almost in slow-motion, I watched her apprehensive little face as she watched for my reaction, with tears welling up in her eyes.  Everything inside of me wanted to scold her for her carelessness, but I knew from past experience how much I would regret it if I did. Through gritted teeth I forced myself to kneel beside her and hug her. It took a few seconds before I was able to tell her how much I appreciated her good cleaning and that the vase was just a vase that could easily be replaced. I certainly didn't want to say it, but I did anyway. Slowly, her face melted into a smile and she hugged me before skipping away.

"I passed the test," I thought, "...barely." One of my weaknesses is becoming stronger- surely, albeit slowly.

It's those types of things that make me think that maybe I can do this. Surely those whom the Lord calls to do hard things, He qualifies. Unfortunately He'll have a whole lot of qualifying to do with me, but He has in the past, I know He will in things to come.