The last six months I had began feeling the dreaded feelings of stagnancy settling in again. Every year or two, inevitably it comes knocking, and it can be suffocating- I imagine from my upbringing. Change was the one thing we knew would always come when I was a kid- a complete overhaul of everything we knew, and the one thing that will help a third culture kid survive is to learn to embrace change.
Over the years I've learned that I have to give those feelings a space and at least some voice, instead of always trying to suppress them. Living in the same small town for thirteen years now and with no foreseeable plans of moving, has provided lots of practice.
One of the least disruptive ways to quench my thirst for change was to enroll in a BSN program, to finally finish my nursing degree. After 14 years, I'm back in school again remembering why I never liked math. That was the easy part of the decision, but in order to make time for school, came an unwanted change.
For the past two and a half years, I've worked as a school nurse at a local high school. I loved my job- the students, my schedule, the amazing on-site daycare for Mila, the teen moms, the staff, and only 7 minutes from my house... in so many ways it felt like the perfect job. But to open time for school, I needed to condense my hours, which meant leaving the school. It was an emotional and difficult decision to make. I shed many private tears in the days leading up to leaving. Not a day has gone by that I haven't questioned whether or not that was the right decision to make.
I took a new job at a long-term care facility, which in many ways has proved to also be a blessing, but has also been disheartening to once again get back into what feels like very mechanical, assembly line-type nursing. Non-stop running for 13 hours, crabby patients, and constantly keeping in mind the CYB (cover your butt) mantra that nurses have to live by in our sue-happy society. I had forgotten the steep learning curve that comes with clinical floor nursing. I have to remind myself that in order to get away from this type of nursing, I need to continue on with my schooling.
Unfortunately, my first night off orientation and the first week of school also coincided with the week that one of my children had surgery, and Dennis was out of town. To say that it was overwhelming would be a vast understatement.
People often ask how things are going with the changes that have come from the adoption. Most days are good, some are quite hard. I've come to the conclusion that there will be some things that will always be a challenge just due to the nature of adopting an older child, and that learning to adapt to a new normal will be my lifelong undertaking. I love change, thrive on it- but somethings simply may never change, and that is a pill I'm learning to swallow.
Many car drives alone to the pharmacy have provided private space for tears and prayers, hoping to understand the things God wanted me to learn and become when he first sent us down this path. But I'll never regret the decision to walk it because of what it has given me- a renewed relationship with God, a family that has grown stronger through adversity, and a bond with my husband that can never be broken. I never want to go back to who I was before this all. I thank God every day for the companion he gave me to walk this road that sometimes feels so very lonely. Dennis has been my saving grace, my rock, and my dearest friend in this world. While I seek change in the other areas of my life, this is change that I pray will never come.
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