The broken puzzle

I wrote this blog post several months ago and left it as a draft, never publishing it. There has been merciful healing since, and overall, we are all doing well.

But I know so many people who are struggling right now. So, so many people. No matter how perfect other people's lives look online and in social media, we all have our private struggles. I think that is perhaps, the most noxious part of social media- the feeling that only we struggle. But none of us get through life unscathed.

I remember walking through the house the day after this all happened, walking around my home in a daze- a stranger in my own life. Suddenly, all I wanted was to go back to the days of diapers and toddlers- the very days that I had impatiently wished away. To go back to when life was infinitely busier but so much simpler- the days I never thought I'd ever want back.

And then I realized that these are the days that someday I'll be wishing back. These complicated, emotional, beautiful days of preteens, teens and young adults. The days when all of my ducklings are under one roof and I can see them evolving into amazing humans, right before my eyes- all of the hard work of the younger years starting to pay off.

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I’m not quite sure where to start this blog post. I typically don’t have a hard time finding words, but some things seem to elude human language. Oversharing is a fine line- one I don’t wish to cross, but I’ve learned a powerful lesson over my years of blogging. The more we name things- the more we call them out- the less power they have over us.

Our family recently had a close brush with suicide- one that came far too close. The wholesome illusion I had of my happy little world seemed to shatter in an instant. Life turned upside down, and it felt like we were looking at a scattered puzzle that we were now realizing never matched the picture on the box. How did we miss this? How had we become so wrapped up in trying to perfectly balance it all, that we had missed the crumbling foundation?

Far too quickly, I discovered how inept the system in place is for navigating such events. As I placed call after call, trying to figure out what we needed to do and where we needed to go, I wondered how families with fewer resources navigate the same pothole-ridden system. Then came the grim realization that many never get the chance to make it this far, and with that same realization, a sense of gratitude that at least we had been given the chance to try. 

The help came, treatments were put in place. The right people were placed in our path at the right time. Some days it still feels like walking blind-folded through a maze.

As the dust begins to settle, the real work of reconstruction begins. Schedules adjusted, priorities realigned, emotional and physical energy redistributed. Our time and energy, once negotiable and something we gave far too much permission for other people to control, are now non negotiable. As the pieces of the puzzle start coming back together, the picture is, in fact, quite different from what was on the box. We are still working on it, but I’m determined that what’s coming together will be better than before.

My hope is that mental and emotional health will someday be something that we talk about as openly as we talk about high blood pressure or a broken leg. Mine have taken a hard hit, but each day is getting better, and I'm learning that sometimes it’s okay to not be okay. In the meantime, I’m sitting back and letting the competing emotions of anger, guilt, shame, grief, regret, anxiety, and gratitude battle each other out. Emotions that never before seemed to want to sit together at the same table, now each demanding center stage. Each day, I’m trying to place each one back in its respective place- into the emotional time and space that I’m willing to grant them. Some days I’m successful, other days I’m not. In the end, I know it’s gratitude who I need to keep on center stage, even as all the others try to drown her out. She’s the one who helps me to be more present in my life- to realize that no matter the challenges, the gift of life and love are the greatest gifts of all. She’s the one who keeps reminding me that things are going to be okay.