Thoughts of simpler days

I miss my pre-accident brain - it's ability to concentrate for long periods of time, to put complex thoughts and feelings into words. The 1,000 piece jigsaw puzzle now a 10 piece wooden puzzle for toddlers. I sit down to write, to sort out my thoughts, and I find a vacuous space where there used to be a playground of words. This phase in life also being, perhaps, the most difficult to articulate while respecting boundaries. The past seems so present. Maybe it still is. 

The 3-year-old little boy sits on the stairs. He has been sitting there for over an hour, arms folded across his chest, chin up. Crocodile tears streaming down his face.  

Sitting in time-out is our umpteenth attempt to get through to him, and it seems to be failing.

I sit next to him and say, "All you need to do is apologize to your older brother, and then you can go back to playing," I say. He stares ahead silently.

I had tried everything we could think of up to that point, and now we were down to this- a battle of wills.

"God, please help me," I pray silently. I had sensed this boy's stubbornness from the time he was still in the womb, and most days, it's what I admire most about him. Something tells me the moment is bigger than an apology.

"Luke, I know you don't want to say sorry, but if you feel sorry, can you touch your nose for me?"

Heaving silent sobs, he touches his nose, over, and over, and over, and over again. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Finally.

I call Camden over and explain that the nose tapping is what we are going to use, in lieu of an apology for now. Hugs, laughter, back to playing Legos.

What I'd do for motherhood to be that simple once again, but while I yearn for those simpler days, it's these days- these infinitely more complex days- that I think I'll long for the most when they're gone. It's these soul-stretching, knee-bending days that make my heart feel like it wants to burst with pride for the amazing humans that they are becoming, despite all of my imperfections.

I pray that life is kind, but doesn't enable them. 

I pray that they stay close to the water's edge, while knowing they need to push off. 

I pray that they don't abandon their maddening stubbornness.

I pray that life bends, but doesn't break them.

The frenzy

Near death experiences do funny things to the human mind. They seem to awaken a once-dormant part of the brain and sets it into a mild frenzy- of getting things in order, in the event that death should come knocking again. I've spent the past several weeks catching up on private journaling and scrapbooking, and finally printing my blog after 13 years. Perhaps even more interesting than the post-near-death-experience-frenzy is the personal evolution I could see as I read my blog posts. They started out light and superficial in 2010 when I started my blog, brushing on the funny things that had happened throughout the day. I had forgotten so many of the stories and little antics of the kids. By the time I got to my last blog post, it was surprising how much has changed throughout the years. How much I've changed. I've become a more serious person, less social, a bit of a navel gazer, but hopefully more honest. I miss the woman I used to be in those lighter times, but am proud of all she's overcome throughout the years.

As I read back on Hengxin's adoption blog posts, most of which I've unpublished, I cringed a little, worrying that I overshared parts of her personal story. A friend recently posted something on Facebook about the line that's drawn where one person's story ends, and the other person's begins. That is, perhaps, one of the greatest challenges of blogging- to identify and honor that fine line, because often, they feel so interwoven with our own story. I've had to remind myself to be gentle and forgiving of the woman who posted what now feels like oversharing. She was doing the best she could at the time.

Perhaps the biggest lesson I learned reading through so many years of journaling and blogging reminded me of just that- we're all just doing the best we can at the time.

A moment of peace from a few weeks ago that I wanted to remember

The part people rarely talk about

 I don't think a day goes by when someone doesn't ask me how I've been doing since the car accident, so I thought I'd share an update. I'm thankful for the kindness that so many continue to show me daily. Four months have gone by, and in many ways it seems like it happened yesterday, its effects still present in my everyday daily life.

Physically, things are improving, slowly and steadily. After months of chiropractor, physical therapist, and massage appointments, my body is on the mend. Yesterday I jogged a mile on the treadmill, albeit slowly and not all at once, but I was so happy, I thought I'd cry. It was something I wasn't sure if I'd ever be able to do again. Long ago seem the days of marathon running and Spartan racing. Not long ago seem the days of moving around the house with a walker. The human body, and its ability to heal, is a miracle. 

Mental recovery has been more of a challenge. If there is one thing the past four months has given me, is an awareness how much we take our brains for granted. I hope to never again take for granted the brain's ability to go into autopilot, to take shortcuts, to withdraw seemingly forgotten information at a moment's notice, and to zone out to preserve energy. Recovering from a TBI seems a bit like being at Disneyland, all day every day, with the lights, sounds, and overstimulation. Even on the best days, a brain, unlike the rest of our body, can never fully rest. It must heal, even as it continues to work around the clock. Overall, the trajectory has been upward, but the headaches and brain fog continue, especially after a long day of teaching. But I love my nursing students, and it's they that make the evening brain fog worthwhile. The trouble word-finding is at times amusing, although usually not to me.

 Emotionally, it's been a rollercoaster, but not the fun kind. It's the kind from nightmares where they forgot to put in seatbelts. It's the most invisible aspect of recovering from a traumatic brain injury, and it's the part people rarely talk about. There were so many times when I wished for an outward scar, to remind me people to give me space and time, and grant me patience. Most days it feels like someone put all of my emotions in a Masen jar, shook them up, and then poured them out on a table. Socially, I've shied away from people and social situations outside of my job, unsure and insecure of how I come across with such a thoroughly shaken Masen jar.

But I am grateful for so many reasons. Healing is chugging along the right track, and I'm optimistic that life will someday be close to the way it was before. But it's my angel husband that I'm the most thankful for. The caregivers of those suffering from brain injuries are unsung heroes. There have been days when the emotional lows have reached such blinding depths when I wished I hadn't survived the crash. Days when I didn't trust myself to be alone. I knew my husband was a good man before- the very best I'd ever met- but it has been this experience that has made me realize that there were not only angels in the car that day protecting me, but angels on earth sent to carry me through the aftermath. After almost 22 years of marriage, I love him more than ever. He deserves a medal for putting up with and still loving me through it all. On a particularly difficult day, when my thoughts and words were jumbled, and I was becoming frustrated with everyone and everything around me, he wrapped his arms around me and said, "I just want you to know, you're doing great." 

On the two month anniversary of our car crash, we had our family pictures taken. In the days leading up to the shoot, I had reached one of those depths, questioning if God had gotten it wrong when He spared me that day. Blinded, I couldn't muster up a single reason why I had survived. A few days later, Hunter Leone, our talented photographer, posted our family photo to his social media page.

When I saw the photo- the Masen jar, again thoroughly shaken- I sat down and wept. This was why. They were why.

In a conversation with  my girls recently, as we reflected on 2022, I said it had been the worst year of my life. But on second-thought, it certainly has not been the worst. The hardest, yes. But I haven't lived 41 years to not realize that it's the best things that come from hard. It's the most worthwhile changes that come from hard. And I don't think I've seen the end of the blessings that have come from this hard.

The Split Second Lament

As a wound nurse, I often heard my patients lament how quickly life can change- all in a matter of a split second- with a life-altering outcome. Compassion, I've learned, is usually the costliest virtue. It's the things and people that we feel the most compassion towards, that we've paid the highest price to feel compassion for. As much as I wanted to understand what my patients had experienced when they described the split second event that landed them in my care, I never really did. I had never paid any sort of price to feel their pain until this week. And yet, I realize I still don't fully understand. But perhaps now I can relate to a small sliver of the "Split Second Lament" that my patients talk about.

Last Monday as I was driving home from work, I took a different route home on back roads. A mile from home, that split second happened. A car missed a stop sign and hit my car. We were both driving at about 55mph. The impact sent my car into a spin, throwing it against a power pole that split from the impact and fell onto my car. 

Thankfully, I remember very little other than waking up to the woman who I collided with, standing at my car window, distraught and trying to wake me up. The police and ambulance had already arrived, and I was quickly taken to the emergency room. I had been unconscious for about 13 minutes.

My memory of the day prior to the accident were gone, and it was surreal trying to piece the events of the day back together. Slowly and with deliberate effort, I was able to get most of them back. By nothing short of a miracle and guardian angels, the only injuries I sustained were a bad concussion, difficulty walking for a few days, and a laceration with a few staples to the back of my head. The concussion is what seems to be taking the longest to heal.

I remember thinking how odd it was having the nurses and doctors ask me the same questions to assess alertness and orientation that I had been teaching my nursing students that same morning before the accident. I learned first-hand that it's surprisingly easy to fake knowing the right answers to these questions. 

The week has been slow with plenty of rest and an empty mind, per doctors orders- without reading, screens, music, or lengthy conversations. The headaches, dizziness, and nausea have been steadily improving. My mom thankfully came to help me and has been wonderfully kind and attentive. She has always been the best nurse.

The strictest part of my doctor-ordered "brain rest" ended yesterday, but my thinking still seems slow  and concentrating is painful. I've caught myself being repetitive and forgetful. Even writing this has been a struggle. It's like there's a slow and ineffecient secretary in my head that's struggling to retrieve the files I want from the back room. I've questioned if I'm pushing my recovery too fast by sitting down to write this. The lazy secretary from the back room is complaining and says she thinks so.

I'm optimistic though. To bemoan my situation would be ignorant and to ignore the hand of God would astoundingly ungrateful. I see the smashed car in our driveway, as we await the insurance assessor, and I can't believe that so much destruction could happen in 2 seconds, with the person inside sustaining only relatively minor injuries.

As I sit here writing, I weep as I think of the little boy in the school bus who died in that same interesection a few years ago, also because of a missed stop sign. My doctor told me to expect feelings of weepiness in the coming days. But it's my first good cry that I've had since the accident, so I'll just let it be. Tears of sorrow for the little boy who never made it back home that day. Tears of gratitude for my second-chance and the outpouring of kindness we've received. Tears of tenderness for the Idaho Power lineman who worked on removing the pole, who has called several times for updates and sent flowers. 

I'm so thankful for the meals, kind words of encouragement, and support we've been given. I'm grateful for so many reasons, more than I can possibly express.

I loved the earrings I was wearing at the time of impact and I wanted to recover them from the car. The impact was such that they were knocked out of my ears. I found one on the passenger seat. The other was in the back corner of the passenger side of the car. I learned that day how much I had underestimated the power of centrifugal force.

I'm thankful that my mom took this picture one day when the headaches were particularly bad. My sweet dogs haven't left my side. 

Nursing Pinning Ceremony

I was honored to be asked to speak at the Pinning Ceremony for my first cohort as a nursing instructor. We went through so much together, learning so much and feeling like we were barely surviving along the way. Even if I teach for another hundred years, they will always have a special place in my heart.

________________________

If you will, come with me on a journey in time. The day is September 11th, 2001. Many of us remember it vividly. Do you remember the shock and fear in the air that was almost palpable? We knew life would never be the same again. But then, do you remember the people who ran into the burning buildings to rescue those inside, and the people who chose to crash their own plane to save innocent lives on the ground? And then later, those who joined our nation’s military, knowing our country was headed for war? They were, and still are, some of our nation’s most remarkable heroes.

Fast-forward 20 years to 2021, and another war was raging, but this time the war wasn’t against terrorists, but against a tiny virus, smaller than a grain of sand, and invisible to the naked eye. Again, there was shock and fear, and we knew life would never be the same again. But we soon discovered that the real enemy wasn’t the virus. It was the unknown. We were fighting to keep hope and unity alive in the face of despair and blame, because this seemed to be destroying lives faster than the virus was. While most of the world stayed inside, you came out. You walked towards the front lines of the war on the pandemic by enrolling in nursing school. I don’t know if you realize how remarkably brave that was, especially considering some of the horror stories we heard that were coming out of the hospitals. I don’t know if I would have done the same. Like the heroes of September 11th, you are my heroes. Thank you.

When you took my class, I often shared with you what I affectionately called, “Rita’s Blunders.” If you’ll remember, some of them were real doozies. I didn’t share them out of self-deprecation, but in hopes that by sharing some of my worst mistakes and humiliations in nursing, that perhaps you won't repeat them, and in some way it will help me redeem myself from those mistakes. 

May I share one more of Rita’s blunders? I’ve shared portions of this with some of you.

Many of you know that I come from a large family of nurses and doctors. I had big shoes to fill when I became a nurse, and I certainly didn’t want to be the first to bring shame to my family’s extensive legacy in medicine. I was determined to do things right. I was starry-eyed with idealism. I wanted to be perfect. Maybe some of you can relate.

Fast-forward a few years again. The year was 2017. I had been a nurse for 14 years and the fire that had been lit when I entered the nursing field was now only a small flicker. It was nearly extinguished. I was looking into other career paths, seriously considering walking away from nursing forever. I was tired, discouraged, and disillusioned. Tired of the 12-hour night shifts. Tired of swollen legs, catty nurses, and perpetually feeling like a zombie, even on my days off. Discouraged that I always felt so inept and like the village idiot among my coworkers. Disillusioned to feel like most days I was waiting tables for ungrateful restaurant patrons rather than saving lives. Now, I know some of you can relate.

As I contemplated new career paths, I took a job in a long-term care facility to help pay the bills. Honestly, it wasn’t a job I was excited about. In fact, the only reason I took it was because it fit my family’s schedule. This time though, I did something different as I started my new job. I simply surrendered. I let go of my idealism and my need to be seen as perfect. I silenced the cruelest critic I knew- the voice inside my own head. I leaned into the imperfect, messy, and sometimes frustrating nature of nursing because imperfect, messy, and frustrating is what you’ll inevitably get any time you work closely with other humans. 

In surrendering and allowing the world around me to be imperfect, I discovered something astonishing. It was actually quite beautiful. It was like a veil had been lifted from my eyes,and I could see a world of beauty and wonder. I saw it in the lines and wrinkles on my patient’s faces. But I now saw that they weren't simply lines and wrinkles, they were roadmaps of their lives. What I had once heard as complaining and long-winded stories, I now heard as the beckoning call of people long forgotten by society who simply wanted to be heard and seen- not unlike you and me- to know that their life still mattered. I watched the tender, at times, angelic ways my co-workers cared for their precious patients. I watched the last breath escape my patient’s bodies in their sacred final moments of life- sometimes surrounded by family, sometimes with no one else but me. I was watching the miracle of human life. But most importantly, I realized it wasn’t miraculous because it was perfect, but because it was simply human. I realized that very little separated me from my patients. Seeing and loving them as they were gave me permission to see and love myself, and to grant myself grace. I hope nursing does the same for you.

As I speak of surrender, I’m not implying a surrender to mediocrity. Far from it. Set a bar for yourself and keep it high. But strive simply for daily improvement, rather than perfection. 

Here’s the thing… you’re going to make mistakes. I promise, you will. If you’re like me, you'll make lots of them. And then when you do, simply recognize them honestly, learn from them, improve, forgive yourself, and then move on.

So often, we hear people say that they strive to “Live with no regrets.” But let's pause and unpack this. This philosophy might not be all it's chalked up to be. In fact, I don't believe it should be our goal nor is it achievable. What does "no regrets" really mean? I love what Brene Brown said about regrets. She said, "No regrets" doesn't mean living with courage, it means living without reflection. To live without regret is to believe you have nothing to learn, no amends to make, and no opportunity to be braver with your life. I believe that what we regret most are our failures of courage, whether it’s the courage to be kinder, to show up, to say how we feel, to set boundaries, to be good to ourselves. For that reason, regret can be the birthplace of empathy. When I think of the times when I wasn’t being kind or generous—when I chose being liked over defending someone or something that deserved defending—I feel deep regret. Regrets about not taking chances have made me braver. Regrets about shaming or blaming people I care about have made me more thoughtful. Sometimes the most uncomfortable learning is the most powerful.”

Perhaps it’s this lack of reflection and empathy that is the reason so many nurses seem to be hemorrhaging out of healthcare, and moving into other fields that require less vulnerability. Perhaps if we embraced regret and the imperfect nature of dealing with ourselves and others, we would strive to keep improving rather than beating ourselves up for falling short. Because really, isn’t every today tomorrow's rough draft? 

By the time I left that job, I had lots of regrets. There are so many things I wish I had done differently, but it was the same vulnerability and authenticity that led to my regrets that also preceded the quiet, magical moments I spoke about earlier. I wouldn’t give up those moments for a lifetime of no regrets.

Do you remember how after clinicals I would ask you, “Where was the magic?” and we would take turns sharing where we saw it? It was to remind us- to remind me- to look for the beauty that hides in the invisible people and places that we often overlook in the busyness of being a nurse.

I’ll tell you where I saw the magic every day. I saw it in the swan, the peace, the captain’s helm, the flamingo, the key, the angel’s wings, the unicorn, the umbrella, the pearl, the crown, the owl, and the star. I saw it in each of you.

No matter how much the rigors of the past year may have left you feeling beaten down, caused you self-doubt, and landed you in regrets- there is something intrinsically unique that only you bring to this world. Thank you for sticking out the past year.

So, here are the main lessons that the last 19 years of blunders in my sometimes stellar (but usually less-than-stellar) nursing career has taught me. 

Take the magic that’s in you and with it, have regrets. But try to learn from them quickly because the sooner you realize you are wrong, the less time you’ll have to spend being wrong. Be unfailingly kind, even when it isn't reciprocated. View yourself with the same compassion you view others, and forgive yourself deeply. Steer clear from people who gossip, even if the gossip isn't about you. Double-check the blood sugar before you give the insulin. Sometimes crying with someone, without saying anything at all, is the most powerful thing you could ever say. Live with integrity, even in the small things- especially in the small things. Remember that no one can make you feel inferior without your consent- don’t give them that consent. If life requires that you drink from the bitter cup, do so without becoming bitter yourself.

...And this is the main lesson I learned: I am always the student, only sometimes the teacher.

Words are far too inadequate to communicate how proud I am of you. Thank you for being my teachers too.

The broken puzzle

I wrote this blog post several months ago and left it as a draft, never publishing it. There has been merciful healing since, and overall, we are all doing well.

But I know so many people who are struggling right now. So, so many people. No matter how perfect other people's lives look online and in social media, we all have our private struggles. I think that is perhaps, the most noxious part of social media- the feeling that only we struggle. But none of us get through life unscathed.

I remember walking through the house the day after this all happened, walking around my home in a daze- a stranger in my own life. Suddenly, all I wanted was to go back to the days of diapers and toddlers- the very days that I had impatiently wished away. To go back to when life was infinitely busier but so much simpler- the days I never thought I'd ever want back.

And then I realized that these are the days that someday I'll be wishing back. These complicated, emotional, beautiful days of preteens, teens and young adults. The days when all of my ducklings are under one roof and I can see them evolving into amazing humans, right before my eyes- all of the hard work of the younger years starting to pay off.

____________________________

I’m not quite sure where to start this blog post. I typically don’t have a hard time finding words, but some things seem to elude human language. Oversharing is a fine line- one I don’t wish to cross, but I’ve learned a powerful lesson over my years of blogging. The more we name things- the more we call them out- the less power they have over us.

Our family recently had a close brush with suicide- one that came far too close. The wholesome illusion I had of my happy little world seemed to shatter in an instant. Life turned upside down, and it felt like we were looking at a scattered puzzle that we were now realizing never matched the picture on the box. How did we miss this? How had we become so wrapped up in trying to perfectly balance it all, that we had missed the crumbling foundation?

Far too quickly, I discovered how inept the system in place is for navigating such events. As I placed call after call, trying to figure out what we needed to do and where we needed to go, I wondered how families with fewer resources navigate the same pothole-ridden system. Then came the grim realization that many never get the chance to make it this far, and with that same realization, a sense of gratitude that at least we had been given the chance to try. 

The help came, treatments were put in place. The right people were placed in our path at the right time. Some days it still feels like walking blind-folded through a maze.

As the dust begins to settle, the real work of reconstruction begins. Schedules adjusted, priorities realigned, emotional and physical energy redistributed. Our time and energy, once negotiable and something we gave far too much permission for other people to control, are now non negotiable. As the pieces of the puzzle start coming back together, the picture is, in fact, quite different from what was on the box. We are still working on it, but I’m determined that what’s coming together will be better than before.

My hope is that mental and emotional health will someday be something that we talk about as openly as we talk about high blood pressure or a broken leg. Mine have taken a hard hit, but each day is getting better, and I'm learning that sometimes it’s okay to not be okay. In the meantime, I’m sitting back and letting the competing emotions of anger, guilt, shame, grief, regret, anxiety, and gratitude battle each other out. Emotions that never before seemed to want to sit together at the same table, now each demanding center stage. Each day, I’m trying to place each one back in its respective place- into the emotional time and space that I’m willing to grant them. Some days I’m successful, other days I’m not. In the end, I know it’s gratitude who I need to keep on center stage, even as all the others try to drown her out. She’s the one who helps me to be more present in my life- to realize that no matter the challenges, the gift of life and love are the greatest gifts of all. She’s the one who keeps reminding me that things are going to be okay.

Changes and higher bars

These past two months have had some big changes. At the beginning of April, I walked away from the job I loved. It had my heart and soul, and it surprised everyone, even me. I deliberately stayed unemployed for a month, giving myself time to self-reflect, recover, and commit to taking the advice I gave to Camden two years ago, before he started a summer job at a scout camp. 

On the long drive to the camp to drop him off, he struggled with feelings of self-doubt. I told him, "This is the chance to reinvent yourself. The camp is far away and no one there knows who you are. You're going in as a blank slate. Take this chance to rewrite what's on that slate. If you've always been shy but want to be outgoing, be that person. No one knows any different. Make a list of who you want to be, and from now on, be that person."

The moment I knew I needed my own clean slate came when I watched a co-worker publically berate another co-worker. It was a tongue-lashing: humiliating and cringe-worthy. I watched quietly. Given the story I had been told, it was well-deserved so I did nothing. Later on, I learned the full story from someone else and I realized that there had been a huge misrepresentation of the truth. I wept from shame. I had not only stayed quiet, but I had actually enjoyed the verbal onslaught. Me. The person who values integrity and kindness above all else. The person who would rather have everything she owns be taken before she would willingly be unkind. The outer lack of loyalty that I showed from having sat silently paled in comparison to my own self-betrayal.

It wasn't only that moment. There were other changes in myself that I wasn't proud of. I was becoming judgy, jaded, and at times back-biting. These are changes I can't blame on other people. It's me. I'm responsible for what's written on my slate. But I knew I needed to walk away from a storyline, with its well-established characters, in which the ending had already been written, and a plot that would never stop repeating itself. I was not proud of the character I had become in this story, and she needed to be left behind.

I intend to rewrite what's on this new slate rather than letting others do it for me the way I have in the past. As I'm doing so, I'm seeing my life and its purpose with new eyes. A good husband; beautiful children who love me; an amazing home; a wonderful new job; the financial means to not only sustain life, but to enjoy it also. Yes, I've been blessed, but God didn't give me all of these gifts with no strings attached. With each blessing, He's raising the bar. With each blessing, I'm expected to be more, to be better than I was before. Having the luxury to wallow in the mire of poor integrity and pettiness is not what He intended when He blessed me with so much.

I'm excited for this next chapter of my life. It's been a challenge and soul-stretching in its own beautiful way. But life was never meant to stay the same. We were never meant to stop evolving. Even the chapters without the happiest endings have lead me to the one I'm on, and for that I will always be grateful.